Valentine's Day Heartbreakers

Anything by R. Kelly: And we mean anything, even the stuff that sounds kind of hot. If a dude pisses on thirteen-year-old girls for kicks, you have no right helping him pay his lawyers by buying his music.

"I Will Follow You Into the Dark," Death Cab for Cutie: Here's another chance for Ben Gibbard to cockblock you. Yes, "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" is a very beautiful song about love, and yes, maybe it's even romantic, but for fuck's sake, it's not that kind of romantic. "Love of mine, someday you will die/But I'll be close behind/I'll follow you into the dark," Gibbard sings. Wait. What? Really? It's kind of sweet in some cockamamie way, but for the sake of a Valentine's Day mix tape, don't include songs that tell her she's going to die and that when she does, you'll follow her into...wait, is he saying he'll kill himself to follow her? That's really messed up, man. Allow us to reiterate here: Do not include any Death Cab track on your romantic mix.

"I Said I Loved You, But I Lied," Michael Bolton: Apparently, "love" is an inadequate word to describe how Michael Bolton loves. Of course it's not love, because, you know, it's more than that. That's why he lied. Don't hate him for it. Your girlfriend, however, will hate you if you include this Bolton classic (and we use that term contextually, not because we agree).

"Love Song," ICP: "Love Song" violates two unspoken rules for a Valentine's Day mix CD: No irony and no rap. "Bitch, I'm knocking at your door/Let me get some neden, ho/Bitch, you're ugly, that's okay/I'm finna hit it anyway/I guess you want me to take you on a big date/But what you're saying don't sound all that straight/All I wanna do is feel your butt and squeeze your titties/Cuz I can't feed your fat ass on a buck-fifty." Ah, nothing says love like Violent J. You know what else Violent J says? You're an idiot if you even consider this song, that's what.